The Babysitting Thing

So for the past, I dunno… while? Adam and I have been babysitting for some friends (a married couple with a 7 week old and a 2 year old). Their schedule has been pretty hectic, but so has Adam’s.

It basically goes like this:  The wife goes to work, the husband stays home. The wife comes home, the husband goes to work. The husband comes home, the wife goes to work… You get the idea.

Well lately, the husband has been on an overlapping schedule, meaning they needed a sitter. Well, sitters are expensive, so Adam volunteered. He has this bad habit of always saying yes to his friends even when it is really inconvenient to himself. So then Adam’s schedule was like this: Wake up at 6am, go to work, get off at 8pm, go straight to friends’ house to babysit, come home at 1am, sleep, get up at 6am… Pretty crazy…

So I was helping out since it’s not easy watching an infant and a toddler by yourself. In the beginning, they said they were going to pay us. Adam was against this as it was just a favor for them because they were desperate. Then, it turned out they needed us a lot more than they thought (the crazy schedule that was only supposed to last a week got extended). So Adam started to want something to pay for what was practically a part time job. I personally felt like I shouldn’t even have been involved with payment because they didn’t ask me to come over and help. Adam did because he said he needed it (or that it would at least make things easier and more pleasant for the kids).

So, as means of payment, the couple suggests they buy us a phone. Adam declined, though, saying he had one. They suggested he give it to me, that way they could call whenever they needed an emergency sitter or something. I said no thank you (I felt weird about it). Well yesterday, the husband showed up with a phone. O.o

I thought this whole situation was really strange. I mean, in the long run, it’s a great deal. They are going to leave it on indefinitely while this babysitting every day thing is only going to last a short while. On the other hand, Adam and I straight up told them no thank you. He had wanted to split whatever they gave him with me, and use his half towards getting his car running again. I just needed to buy a bus pass.

It is a nice phone, though. And it’s nice to have one again, I s’pose.

It just feels awkward. .-.

I feel like a bad person

I just don’t feel like I’m very nice.

I remember Dustin telling me once that I’m “nice, but not friendly” and I’ve since been replaying that in my head. I’m nice, but I’m not friendly; and it’s because I’m shy. That’s ok, but once it gets to the point where I just flat out don’t socialize with people it’s just crazy. I’m not nice because I am not friendly, and I’m not friendly because I’m shy. I’m shy because I am not working on making it better, and I’m not working on it because I’m scared.

But today I kind of felt worse about it. I really want friends. Who doesn’t, right? Well now that I feel like I can say that I do, and say it comfortably, I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. After every conversation I regret nearly everything. I criticize almost every sentence that came out – whether it came out how I meant it or not. It seems like I have lost all sense of boundaries and just spout out anything I think seems ok at the time. Later on, though, it either seems like it was inappropriate or just downright unnecessary.

And I feel selfish. I am selfish. I was trying to force Armando to play WoW, and it’s mostly because nobody else wants to play with me… and that sucks. But it’s not fair of me to do that to him or anyone else (like Desiree…). It’s hard for me to tell when people are honestly just taking pity on my desperation and complying, or if they really want to do what I suggest.

What’s worse is that (and this makes me feel like crap) I show no interest in others’ suggestions. Sometimes I will find myself just tuning them out… and I kick myself for it. I’m just so used to not talking to people, so my mind is usually able to wander wherever it pleases. That mindset takes over during a lot of my social interactions (during class, too, unfortunately). I need to fix that!! So it will just wander, or I will not care… I am not sure which is worse.

It’s not really that I don’t care… it’s more like I just don’t think I will be interested. Which is stupid, and selfish, and really incredibly rude. I don’t know. This is all making me angry with myself.

I’m bein’ silly again

This semester isn’t turning out to be so bad. I mean, math sucks. Majorly. But the breaks aren’t so lame anymore. I have something to do other than sit alone every day, and that makes me happy. I almost feel… like a normal person? :O Like, I have friends. And that feels really good to say. ^^ Although I feel lame for being excited about it.

I’m kind of going through one of those “You’re only doing this because you think somebody cares, so stfu” things, and that is why I have kept my typing to my private journal on Gaia. I’ll get over it. If only because this site looks so much nicer…

Queue epic adventures!

I bought the D&D red box! ^^ My days of adventuring and defeating fearsome monsters are about to begin and I’m so excited! I have wanted to play for a very long time (and before that time, I wanted to play, I just didn’t know an actual game like it existed to satisfy my rp needs). After waiting for what seemed like hours for Des to finish her homework and then take a shower, we finally sat down to play. I guided her through creating her character (although we still didn’t finish in the end), and she has settled on a human wizard. Couldn’t be more proud of my little nerd disciple. x] But then again that whole “you’re playing with your 11 year old sister” kicked in and I was like “wow, I need some friends…” But once that lame mindset faded I was excited again! O.o Whoo…

So my first character is Carella Axeager, a female dwarf fighter who is on her way to the port town of Fallcrest when her caravan is attacked by goblins (this is the preset solo walk-through in the book, btw -_- )! I…. haven’t gotten further than that yet. D: Des, I mean Tayuya (she’s…. on a Naruto streak…), has been gone so I don’t have anyone to play with. Although! Armando suggested I bring the stuff to school so we can play together, lol. Probably not going to happen as I get nervous just walking around people I don’t know, so playing a game in plain sight would…. well, I don’t know what it’d do, but it would probably be really scary! At this rate, I don’t really know what to do. I am sort of planning on just allowing myself to be both DM and Carella. I am unbiased enough to do it, I’m sure. >.< We’ll see how it all turns out…

~Eagerly awaiting adventure, W. Hermit

Rawr!

I had a pretty good day.🙂
Got to hang out with Kate, Sally, Vicky, and a friend of theirs during my break, and learned that Kate rides the same bus home as me. ^^ So I will be looking forward to Mondays and Wednesdays.
However, when I got home, I realized that my WoW account was hacked. To be honest, I just don’t even understand how it all works. I mean, I’m the only one who knows my password, I don’t type it in to random sites, I don’t use the same pass as other games/sites. I don’t even give my account name or email out! So how does it happen!? I got it back, though, and it seems to be untouched (all 80s are clothed, no gold missing, etc). So… yeah, that’s that. Glad I got it back. I need to start changing it more often. Or buy an authenticator. Although they seem to be really annoying, it’s worth not losing your account. $6.50, though. :s I don’t really want to give Blizz any more of my (Adam’s, I should say lol) money, especially when it comes to something like this. I really dislike the whole email for a username thing. Whatevs, it’s just a game.
A game… that I am going to go play right now.

Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri

We were assigned readings from this book for my English 101 class this semester (we read all of them, I should say). Some stories, to be truthful, were so depressing that I had to place the book down and come back to them at another time (I will admit that this is because they hit too close to home, particularly the first story – A Temporary Matter). That is just how deeply moving Jhumpa Lahiri’s writing is. That said, they are mostly solemn stories, with harsh events that tug at our heartstrings. Lahiri writes about the things in our lives that we often find hard to admit, even to ourselves. From being unable to leave a lover due to personal weakness, to the difficult struggles suffered by immigrants (specifically those of Indian heritage).

The writing was amazing, the stories were short and quite sad, and it all combines to be a surprisingly good book if you are the kind who likes that sort of thing.

Crummy Week

So, Monday morning comes around and I brought nothing to do during my two hour wait in the library. Why sit there, right? Right. The only problem: my class ends just as a bus is leaving. I have come to terms with this wretched little fact, and have accepted my wait period in order to catch the next bus. This particular Monday, though, I just do not feel like waiting there with nothing to do. So what do I do when my math professor whips out the exam we did two weeks ago, who’s problems I already know the solutions to, and says we’re going to finish going over it? I leave. Twenty minutes early. I was pretty excited, to be honest. I got to go home early and get some nice WoW time in. I did not expect her to confront me about it. If anything, I was just expecting someone to let me know how angry she was after I left (she made a show of saying goodbye to me as I walked through the door). The next day, though, she asked me to step outside and let me know how extremely rude it was of me to do that. Thinking that it is none of her business if I need to leave or not, I just nod and say, “I know, and I’m sorry.” That whole incident just pissed me off so much. This is college, not high school. I am an adult, and have the freedom to get up and leave if I feel like it. What makes me even more angry is the fact that I have only been late once (due to a train as I was on the shuttle between campuses), and I have not missed a single day (today was my first :p ) so I’ve been a pretty good student. I believe I have a B or high C in the class at the moment. Sigh. Whatever.

Yesterday (Tuesday) didn’t go so great either. Adam’s friend gave me his old, generic ipod thing (an eclipse?). I have been listening to the Dark Tower audio book on my laptop, so I thought I’d put it on there and listen to it at school. Well! As it turns out, I only pasted half of the book (the beginning half, might I add) into the eclipse. So once I got to the bus stop (on the way to school), all sound stopped. I wanted to throw it across the street! >< Luckily, I had put some music on there that helped me through the boring walk from the bus stop.

And today! Blah!!! Adam is, like, chain smoking cigars. /shudders The stench burns my nostrils and he just laughs at that, like he doesn’t believe me. I hate this so much. I wish he’d stop. If not for himself, for me. I hate knowing that he cares so little about his life that he will jeopardize it like that. His life effects me, too. Does he not get that? I want him to care about that kind of thing.

This queue time for Tichondrius is killing me!  Currently waiting for 301 people to log off. /glare

What else can I complain about… :p I could go off about how my online English class has an on-campus final, but I think I’ll just go find something else to do.

 

~W. Hermit